David Pitlyuk

For those of you that were caught up in the hype of American Gladiators re-launching, just to be disappointed, join the club. I had a ton of complaints about the show when I finally saw my first new episode. Then I happened to check my e-mail inbox where I saw the subject “AG Monologue”…and it was from one of my good, hilarious, friends Elliott Antal. This should be good I thought to myself. As always, Elliott didn’t disappoint…so I asked for his permission to repost it on here to share with the world. Let us know what you thought of American Gladiators by posting your comments.

• 45 minutes I’ve been at work
• 25 emails
• 1 coffee run

Sounds like I’m ready to run down some observations about the greatest comeback since Michael Jordan playing baseball…that’s right…the AMERICAN GLADIATORS!!! Or the ‘AG’ as NBC likes to slang it. If you have watched any of it so far this e-mail will make sense, if not then I hope this e-mail will make you search YouTube for any clips supporting or denying my claims.

• First off NBC played the celebrity card to try and get viewers tuned in, I don’t know how many people I ran into before the first episode aired that said, “Hulk Hogan is going to be a Gladiator” just to find out that the Hulkster is actually a glorified sideline reporter, and because the job is too big for one ex-WWF wrestler, they had to find him a partner in Ms. Ali.
• Second, I don’t remember the first ‘AG’ having so many damn in game interviews. I don’t care to hear the philosophies of some random blue contestant, I tuned in to see someone with a name like Titan sit on your head!
• Thirdly, the Gladiators. I think they grabbed these guys in a San Fran court house, I believe these are all witnesses in the ongoing BALCO investigation. And in Barry Bond’s defense, steroids by themselves do not increase an individuals ability, and not in Canseco’s defense, they do tend to kill some brain cells. Case in point, the Gladiator named Wolf…I’d hate to meet this guy in a dark alley….until I saw him in the rings event and learned that if I do meet him in an alley, all I would have to do is look for the nearest gym apparatus to climb on. The guy they call Titan looks like he’s been posing for the cover of romance novels chipping away at Fabio’s profits. By far my favorite Gladiator is Helga…I have $50 that says even the guys can’t get by her, I also have $100 that says she celebrates a victory by chugging a keg and smashing it on her forehead.
• Fourth, the new event. Instead of trying to fight a Gladiator out of a ring, like traditional wrestling, the ring is now elevated and rotates called EARTHQUAKE. This is another event in which steroids don’t help the Gladiators much, a sense of balance is something you don’t expect from a jungle living Gladiator called TOA.
• Fifth, where is the classic event. Am I the only one that noticed that the new ‘AG’ doesn’t have that human ball rolling event anymore? You know the one where they tried to roll into a pod and wait till smoke shot up their butt to record a point. NBC lost some major points by not bringing that back.
• Sixth, the Eliminator. This event can hardly be called the Eliminator, this is nothing like the original. Contestants get to frolic through some obstacle course that looks about as hard as any event you did during Field Day in Middle School (if your school had those). There are no Gladiators like in the original and it doesn’t even look as long. Which makes me wonder why these contestants are always so winded and cannot run up the damn escalator at the end of it…did anyone screen these contestants for athletic ability before they applied?

Well for those of you who waited for the return of a classic 80’s show and were disappointed…you don’t have long to wait. NBC will soon be destroying the legend of Knight Rider next.